valentines day is here. love is in the air. birds are chirping. the clouds look like hearts. this is a time where you reflect on your past relationships. all of your exes suddenly occupy a room in your head. you wish this room was irl so you can thank each and every one of them individually (thank u, next style), especially the one or two who cheated on you. this room does not exist. however, cookies … cookies exist.

welcome to the epic valentines day recipe that screams “(f)orgive (u) !” to your ex(es). restraining order on you or not, these cookies are guaranteed to restore the humanity that you once saw in your ex lover in the beginning stages of your relationship before you saw darkness in their eyes. 

disclaimer: these cookies are so special and contain so many magical powers that you do not want to eat these yourself. these are specifically for the ex(es) you hate … especially you, arnold.

anyways, let’s begin !





step 1: look at this TikTok for inspiration
they’re just simple, cute, pink sugar cookies topped with reese’s hearts ! easy ! nothing could go wrong. look at that ! you’re already ready for step 2 !





step 2: go to this recipe:  
this is a recipe for the pink sugar cookies. however, they did add white chocolate chips. DO NOT ADD WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIPS. white chocolate chips scream “i forgive you … take me back ?” i want to remind you that we DO NOT want to get back together with this person(s) we’re simply just raising the white flag. 





step 3: follow the recipe verbatim
(minus the white chocolate chips as mentioned earlier.)

i’m serious… follow each step exactly. this is important. the mix should smell like pancakes (positive … i promise.)





step 4: break your oven
your oven broke a while ago and your landlord hasn’t gotten the chance to fix it yet. it would turn on, heat for a second, then say “ERROR” on the screen. don’t panic … this is part of the process. if it hasn’t broken yet, do some diy’s to break the oven.

recipe update 1 minute ago: i got a lot of questions asking “can i make these with an oven that’s not broken ?”

the short answer is no.





step 5: ask a friend for help
if your friend has the shittiest oven that heats the food up only on the top right side or if it only heats the bottom of the pan and not the food itself, then bingo. this is exactly what you need.





step 6: pour batter on baking sheet
now i say “pour” and “batter” because the concoction you just made will turn out liquid like pancake mix and not like dough. this is the ideal consistency so don’t fret. make sure you don’t spill anything from the baking sheet while trying to place it in the oven.

your cookies should look like this while they’re baking. i know what you’re thinking…
“ziggy, these don’t even look like cookies !” trust. the. process. 

step 8: take them out of the oven !   

you’re almost there. they should look exactly like this — a “vomit after you eat hot cheetos” pink color paired nicely with light brown crispy sides. lovely. you’re ready for the next step.





step 9: place the reese’s hearts
reese’s hearts scream “i forgive you … but i’m my own person now and i’ve always been better without you. now that we’re broken up, i can start being the person i’m supposed to be.” this is the kinda vibe we’re going for. also, make sure to place the chocolate while the cookies are still warm — this is crucial.

and voilà. picture freaking perfect. the chocolate should be running down the sides and look really really unappetizing — just how it’s supposed to be. 

you might want to try one before giving them to your ex(es) to make sure they are the perfect texture of soft, squishy, hard, dry, and wet all at the same time. it should be an explosion of texture. like i said earlier, they have magical restoring humanity powers, so trust me when i say trying them won’t do anything to you but at least save them for their intended audience which is the souls of the damned.

i’ll c u next week <3 
ziggy

-Sent from my IPhone